You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. ~Kahlil Gibran

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Slowly But Surely

I know it's been a while, but things are progressing at a much slower rate than we expected. The RE had me repeating tests because of my history of thyroid problems. He wanted to make sure everything was functioning as it should before he would even bring me in for my initial appointment with him. It has been almost a full year since I met my incredible IPs in person, so to say the three of us (four if you count the egg donor) are beyond anxious is an understatement!
I have the draft of the contract downloaded and an appointment to review it with my attorney early next week. I'm hopeful we can be working on signing the final draft by the first week in April!
So right now I'm focusing on exercising and nutritionally preparing my body for another pregnancy. It's so hard to not feel jealous when my surrogate friends show off big, round pregnant bellies. Especially when they give birth!
I cannot wait to make these two men daddies. I may have already purchased a big bundle of pregnancy tests daydream often of getting to tell them that we are finally pregnant.
Surrogacy is truly a hurry up and wait type journey!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

A Child's Open Mind

I've been talking about surrogacy often with A. We've been reading The Kangaroo Pouch and having great discussions about it.

During one of these heart to hearts, I asked what she thought about Mommy growing babies for other people again. She clapped excitedly, then asked if I could be more careful to not bump her head with my fat belly this time. Then, I told her what makes some couples that need Mommy's help special, is that they're two Daddies. She grinned and exclaimed "That's so awesome! Hey, wouldn't it be even cooler is one of them was a robot?!"

That's how fazed she was by the idea of gay marriage, and surrogacy for same sex couples. I love the blank canvas of a child's open mind.

There is definitely a purpose for these chats and this post, which I will have updates on very soon!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

One Year

The twins turned one on April 1st. A day that was not unlike any other day for me, and I hope they celebrated joyously while their parents recalled the miracle of their first breaths. Starting the night before, I couldn't stop the constant flow of memories of April 1st 2012. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet still so fresh and new. I remember standing and swaying my hips in the pitch black of my living room around 5am. I kept questioning whether or not I was truly in labor. I held my phone in trembling hands, telling myself that I would call the parents if the next contraction rolled in with the same regularity as the last few. I took a deep breath, centering my nerves. I didn't want to scare them with a false alarm, nor did I want them to miss the birth of their babies. I knew as I hit send that I was about to launch them into a frenzy and change their lives forever.

Labor with my daughter was frightening and I felt out of control. But every contraction with the twins took me to such a peaceful place. I felt radiant, and wish I had pictures to see if my face reflected the serene beauty I experienced within.

After I got off the phone with the twins' parents, I turned on my mp3 player and snugged the ear buds in. This song came on and I played it on repeat until the batteries died at the hospital. It moved me, and even listening to it today, I am taken back to that day.

I won't rehash the details of labor, but that day renewed my faith in my body. I changed the day I became a mother, but the day I completed a family launched my metamorphosis into the woman I am today.

Over a year later, I'm still coasting on that feeling. The events that took place April 1, 2012 changed my life, and I will be eternally grateful for the opportunity to nurture two precious lives, and to bring them into the world the way my body was designed to.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Don't give up

When it rains it pours. And recently it seemed as if the weight on my shoulders was unbearable.  I was distracted. I was beyond stressed.  On my lunch break from work every day, I bring A from daycare over to her preschool.  Typically, we chat the entire time about everything under the sun.  But on this particular day, she sat quietly in the back staring out the window while I drove on autopilot; my brain miles away making to do lists and wondering when the light at the end of the tunnel would be illuminated. We walked into school hand in hand, and she ran to hang her backpack up as I signed her in.  I gave her a hug and a kiss like usual.  As I was nearing the door, her little voice called out "Mommy! Wait!"  I knelt down as she rushed over and threw her arms tightly around my neck.  "I love you, Mom." She whispered in my ear, grinning hugely.  Just like that, all the stressors seemed to melt away.  She had reminded me, in her own little four year old way, to focus on what is truly important.

This is why I do what I do.  Everyone deserves to feel the arms of their child wrapped around their neck.  To hear those words, to be called Mommy or Daddy, and to feel their heart swell out of their chest.  There are so many that long for those moments, but they are but a dream to them.  Don't lose hope.  Some day, you will hold your entire world in your arms and the hard work, the grief, the dead ends, the frustration... all of it will vanish.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


The whispers of longing are growing harder to tune out.  I find myself being drawn to the cries of those with empty arms once again.  My pleasant surprise in having a flat abdomen at 5 months post-twins is quickly dashed when I realize how effortless it would be to fill out again in order to erase the pain of another.  I'm constantly daydreaming of how things should have been and what I want in the future.  I envision a baby slipping forth from my womb, to its mother's open hands. The symbolic passing of the torch.  Getting to witness a miracle and see the wonder etched across the faces of the new parents.  The sheer amazement in the manifestation of their dreams, and knowing the integral part I played in its arrival.  Being a part of something so much bigger than myself.  The thrill of the journey of a lifetime.

Who knows what the future may bring, though. So for now I will acknowledge these stirrings from deep within and follow where they lead. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Liquid gold

Since about 2 hours after the twins were born, I've been pumping. They received all of my colostrum, and about 100 ounces of transitional milk and mature milk after that. Because they came a bit pre-term, the milk my body produces is tailored for a pre-term baby so it's packed full of extra calories and antibodies among many other extra nutrients smaller babies need. 

After they went home with their parents, I posted in the Florida chapter of Eats on Feets which is basically an organization designed to connect pumping moms with moms in need of breastmilk. That same day I was contacted by a very sweet mama to a 4 month old baby! I've donated to her twice already, and we're planning to meet up for a third drop off.  More recently another amazing mama of a teeny newborn contacted me and I donated to her for the first time this week.

I loved carrying the twins and giving birth to them, but there is also something so gratifying about donating my breastmik. Considering this is also my career (helping moms breastfeed successfully), I'm obviously passionate about breastfeeding and the unsurpassed benefits of breastmilk. So knowing how I'm helping these two babies just by handing over bags of my frozen milk makes me heart feel so full. And just like I did with the surrogacy I've been explaining pumping and donating my milk to my daughter. She vaguely remembers nursing as she self weaned just shy of her 3rd birthday and will often nurse her baby dolls or stuffed animals. So to her, "squeezing the milk out" (as she calls pumping) and giving it to other babies to drink is a completely natural part of lactating! She has even told me on a few occasions that when she grows up and is a Mommy, she wants to feed lots of babies with her milk. Oh be still, my heart!

Total to date I've donated 1400 ounces, and have another 200 ounces and counting in my freezer. That translates to 12 1/2 gallons of milk my breasts have produced in a little over 5 weeks. Moo!!!!!!!!